Should abusive anger be tolerated in the home?

Should abusive anger be tolerated in the home?

The answer to this question is a resounding, “NO!” In my 28 years of providing God-based counseling, I have counseled the issue of abusive anger countless times. It is usually a spouse who has a two-sided personality. One for the public/church and one for the family.

Abusive anger has its roots in unresolved painful experiences of life. Our words/actions reveal our hearts. Anger is not a sin. It is how we choose to express anger. It is common for the abusive person to blame others for their angry attitude and ugly words. Blaming others for our actions is a deceitful tactic from the devil.

No one can ‘make’ me angry. Something happens that I do not like,  I choose to be angry. My anger may be justified, but I cannot blame my anger on others – I choose to be angry. If I claim to be a Christian (Christ-like), the godly reaction is to not take out my anger on another person. I’m to choose to ‘walk in the Spirit’ and not allow my ‘flesh’ to explode.

How? I take ownership of my feelings and choose to process the anger in a godly manner. I must invite God into the situation and respond with His wisdom.

I would love to challenge every person who claims salvation through the power of the Holy Ghost to study Colossians 3. Romans through Jude are letters written to believers who have been born again of water and Spirit (John 3 & Acts 2). Apostle Paul was the author of many of the letters. He tells us how we ought to behave ourselves as Christ-followers.

Paul said, “Follow me as I follow Christ.” In my Bible, there is a subtitle above Cols. 3 – Not Carnality but Christ.

Colossians 3:5-9 NKJ

Therefore put to death the parts of your earthly nature: sexual immorality, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Because of these things, the wrath of God comes on the sons of disobedience. You also once walked in these, when you lived in them. But now you must also put away all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, and filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie one to another, since you have put off the old nature with its deeds,

 Colossians 3:12-17 NKJ

Character of the New Man

12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. 14 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.

15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

17 And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Colossians 3:23-25 NKJ

23 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for[a] you serve the Lord Christ. 25 But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality.

In this article, I am not addressing deep anger or bitterness due to a major crime or injustice to innocent people. I’m talking to the heart of the person that chooses to control other people with abusive anger in words and actions for selfish reasons.

This type of verbal/emotional abuse is absolutely ungodly. There must be a recognition of the sin of abuse, sincere repentance, and submitting one’s selfishness to God. No one has the right to control others through any type of abuse.

Genuine repentance is turning away from sinful actions and asking God to forgive you. It is a choice! We choose to serve God and live godly!

         Ephesians 4:31-32 NKJ

31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, [a]clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

This scripture is a direct command from God. Stop the bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking – “be put away from you” with all malice. Malice | ˈmaləs | noun the intention or desire to do evil; ill will. Doing good or evil is a choice.

If we claim a salvation experience we must do what Paul continues to instruct:

Ephesians 5:1-9 NKJ

Walk in Love

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For [a]this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not be partakers with them. For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the [b]Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth).

Anyone that lives with an abuser, must make a decision to not continue being a victim of this abuse. Do whatever you need to do to set healthy boundaries and not allow another person to control you emotionally. You are not stuck – you have choices to make. Remove yourself from the room when the abuser is spouting ugliness. The abuser feels empowered to continue the abuse if you tolerate it. Do not argue. Disempower the abuser by changing your actions. If physical abuse happens, call 911.

Let the abuser know, you will expose the abuse. The abuser must understand that there will be accountability. A godly person will not be an abuser. No one deserves abuse and no one is the cause of the abuse. The abuser makes a choice to abuse verbally, emotionally or physically. Refuse to take ownership of the blame game that most abusers use.

Our relationships in godly homes must be God-centered. If we want love, joy, and peace, all must be patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and have self-control – Gals. 5. Submitting one to another in the fear of the Lord – Ephes. 5:21. Choose to be Holy Ghost controlled! – provides nationwide counseling/Bible teaching/life coaching – (636) 448-0121 – read ‘about’ page.


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About Me

Carol Clemans is a Certified Pastoral Counselor (27 years), Bible conference speaker, Christian Life Coach and author. She provides counseling nationwide by phone/web cam. The mission for Carol’s teaching, counseling and writing is to help others grow and heal spiritually, emotionally and relationally.

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