Pornography: Destroyer of Families, Marriages & Ministries

Pornography: Destroyer of Families, Marriages & Ministries

The lust the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life are destroying marriages and ministries. In the last 21 years as a certified pastoral counselor, I’ve counseled numerous wives who are devastated because of the pornography addiction of their husbands. (Women can become addicted to porn also, but my subject today is directed toward husbands and fathers).
Viewing porn and sexually satisfying self at the same time causes pornography addiction. This combined action creates a self-induced chemical addiction/adultery in the brain/body that cries out for more and more. The experts say this self-induced addiction is harder to break than any other drug or alcohol addiction. The pictures of porn are indelibly branded in the brain/memory of the person. There is no respecter of person when it comes to addiction.
This is a major secret problem within the church. I’m thankful for those that I have counseled who were willing to admit the addiction and sincerely seek help. But sadly, many addicts feel totally helpless and hopeless for the following reasons.
Many men who are addicted to porn will verbally abuse their wives with threats (especially if involved in ministry). “If you tell, our lives will be ruined. Our family will be crushed. If you expose me, our children will turn against you.” Some wives have been threatened by murder. This addiction ruins husband/wife and father/child relationships.
Some addicted husbands have been caught taking pictures of their young daughters or sexually abusing them. Some have adulterous affairs. Some try to get their wives to do the ‘acts of sex’ they view on the pornography. Some porn users are also addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. The addiction controls every part of life.
Pornography addiction is a sin just as adultery is a sin. The Bible teaches if a man looks on a woman and lusts he has already committed adultery in his heart. So when a husband uses porn continually, he has sin in his heart. He cannot have integrity with God or his wife.
The majority of men/women that I have counseled who were addicted to porn shared that they were first exposed to porn as a child as young as 4 – 6 years old. Also, the majority had experienced sexual abuse. The combination of these can cause a person to have sexual identity issues that they bring into the marriage.
I encourage the wives of porn addicted husbands to go to her husband’s leaders in ministry and expose the problem. Many wives live in fear of the fallout and choose to live with the sin. In their hearts they feel shame and a deadened love toward their husbands. Some of these husbands misuse the factor of submission and demand their wives ‘submit’ to them and never disclose the porn addiction.
If the addicted man refuses to confess his sin, his life will crumble eventually. Porn addiction leads to adultery, sexual abuse, same sex temptation, etc. The man does not realize it, but his body language – especially his eyes roving from woman to woman – reveals to others his problem and how he flirts with other women even in the church. Some women respond to this because they are emotionally wounded and seek attention. The Bible says be sure your sins will find you out.
Submission in scripture is based on the principle of the wife and husband submitting one to another in the fear of the Lord (Ephesians 5:21). The wife is to keep herself only to her own husband. If the husband is obeying this command – husband love your wife as Christ loves the Church – he will not be using porn and forcing her to accept it.
If the addicted person wants help sincerely, it can happen by the help of the Lord. First, there must be a genuine sorrow for the sex addiction. Second, there must be true repentance to God and to others. Third, there must be an accountable person (not the wife) in the daily life of the person in recovery. Fourth, they must eliminate the source of their porn addiction – even if this is the Internet or cell phone. Fifth, they must get involved in God-based counseling. Sixth, they must be willing to read God-based books on the problem and recovery: everyman’s battle by Steve Atterburn, Breaking Free by Russell Willingham, Beneath the Surface by Robert Reccord.
The same amount of time that was spent in pornography needs to be spent in developing a close intimate relationship with God. It’s a moment-by-moment choice to go to the ‘crutch – porn’ or to the Cross – Jesus Christ. The addicted person needs a same sex ‘accountable partner’ that is strong in the Lord. Calls must be made at unscheduled times asking the hard questions: Are you using porn? Are you praying? Are you doing the ‘homework’ of reading and journaling? Are you being accountable to God in your thoughts, feelings and actions? Are you counseling? Are you satisfying self sexually?
The marriage that is the victim of pornography needs in depth marital counseling. Porn addiction creates isolation in a marriage. The marriage is defrauded because the porn is used for sexual satisfaction. It involves more than the spouse forgiving the offending husband/wife. Trust has been deeply violated. It takes time to rebuild trust based on the sincerity of the addicted/adulterous spouse’s consistency in the recovery process. A new foundation built on godly principles must be established for the marriage to grow and succeed.
Every pastor needs to address this problem. It needs to be an ongoing discussion within the church along with sexual purity for all ages and exposure of sexual abuse. I teach seminars on sexual purity for all ages including promiscuity – (explaining that outer sex, oral sex, ‘friends benefits’ is having sex in God’s eyes) adultery, porn addiction, homosexuality and sexual abuse. In the church, we seem to be fearful of discussing healthy sexuality created by God and even more fearful of the sexual sins.
God’s Word speaks to these issues: Revelations 21:6-8 NLT, “And he also said, ‘It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children. But cowards, unbelievers, the corrupt, murderers, the IMMORAL, those who practice witchcraft, idol worshipers, and all liars—their fate is in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.’”
Those who are immoral and claim to be Christian are living a lie. Their idol is their sexual addiction. They love themselves more than they love God. Their lust of the flesh becomes their master.
I challenge the wives of an addicted husband, “If you are covering his sin, you are enabling his sin.” I pray all wives who read this article and are living with an addicted spouse, please print this article and give it to your husband. Let him know you will be giving a copy of this article to his ministry headship and you will no longer tolerate this addictive sin and allow it to destroy your life. With genuine repentance and confession there is hope for a renewed life in Christ Jesus.

© Carol Clemans – September 2013
(636) 448-0121

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About Me

Carol Clemans is a Certified Pastoral Counselor (27 years), Bible conference speaker, Christian Life Coach and author. She provides counseling nationwide by phone/web cam. The mission for Carol’s teaching, counseling and writing is to help others grow and heal spiritually, emotionally and relationally.

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